1 April 2014
Forwarded from the International Press Office of Global Media

Following six months of secret talks the Dalai Lama and the Pope today joined forces to announce the founding of a new world religion.

‘We are both men in the last years of our lives and we want to leave a meaningful legacy. The most important thing we can do is to bring all the world’s religions under one single umbrella. We are therefore proud to announce a new world religion of universal spirituality.’

The Dalai Lama has been known for decades as a hugely influential spokesperson for compassion and mindfulness. The new Pope has received worldwide approval for his modernising and open approach to religion.

These two important leaders were brought together by the most influential woman in the US media, Oprah Winfrey, who is herself an important proponent of a universal spirituality.

Talks have already been held with the United Nations and there are plans for the UN General Assembly in New York to become a holistic temple dedicated to love and charity.

Across the planet there has been mixed reaction to this announcement. Conservative elements in all faith communities are disturbed and denounced this move as a form blasphemy. The new Archbishop of Canterbury, however, was more sympathetic and has instructed the clergy of the Anglican community to pray for guidance.

A more extreme reaction came from former British Prime Minister and now international diplomat for faith and capitalism, Tony Blair. He was also preparing plans to announce a new world religion and the wind has been taken out his sails.

‘I am very disappointed, in fact angry, at the Dalai Lama and Pope,’ said Mr Blair at a press conference. ‘In a few weeks time I was going to announce a new world religion all of my own. The announcement was going to be made from the first of Richard Branson’s Virgin public space flights. Announcing it from the stratosphere was going to be my crowning moment of spin. I fear that we may well see the beginning of some kind of religious war here. My religion will be better.’

Deepak Chopra was also upset because his own plans for a global spirituality had also been trounced. ‘What do they know about endocrinology and acupuncture?’ he complained. ‘Or hair dye?’

Prince Charles however was full of admiration. ‘Ever since my mother, Her Majesty the Queen, started channelling Cleopatra and my father Prince Philip, started practising Reiki, I have been waiting for such an announcement. If needed I am prepared to offer my services as monarch for this new world religion. I am even prepared to knit my own cloak and crown.’

Across the world, however, there was an immediate backlash from tweeting young people. They demanded the end to any grandiose ideas of a universal religion or spirituality. ‘We don’t trust anyone to start a world religion,’ one of them tweeted. ‘Leave us alone.’ ‘WTF. OMG,’  tweeted one five year old commentator.

Kermit the frog however was delighted and said that having spoken to the Dalai Lama and the Pope he was looking forward to wearing the new robes of white, crimson and purple, with a ceremonial hat that resembled a wedding cake. All hail, Cardinal Kermit.

Blessings to all of you on this first day of April and Day of the Fools.